Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

October already? What’s next? November????

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.