Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*