Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
You Might Also Like
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Roses are red, you always mattered,
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius