@SugarMagicSpice

Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.

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@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@ericsshadow

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

@JimmerThatisAll

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

@JaySuch

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

@StatusInBeirut

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

@GrahamKritzer

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

@NOTVIKING

date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill

me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill

@Darlainky

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.