5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.