Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.