Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
You Might Also Like
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Gods work.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.