Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.