Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Sharon I have some bad news
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.