Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.


My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.


I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.


If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.


I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.


Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.


ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!


Sometimes I hide my husband’s socks from him by putting them in his sock drawer


Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..