*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza