@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

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@bazecraze

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

@PinkCamoTO

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

@junejuly12

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

@LizHackett

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

@mrjohntofu

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

@traciebreaux

Sometimes I hide my husband’s socks from him by putting them in his sock drawer

@alwayzintruble

Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..