If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.
You Might Also Like
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
This seems suspicious. Was this written by a spider?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?
HER: What? No, I said asterisks.
ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
Sometimes I hide my husband’s socks from him by putting them in his sock drawer
Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..