Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

You got this…

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life