Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

She was REALLY feeling it.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots