Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

We all have our pet causes.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.