Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true