Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.