Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.