netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
You Might Also Like
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
😾
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
orange cat behavior
life lately
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.