netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
A Short Story.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails