netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?