Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

some things should go without saying

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Geez man, take it easy.