Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.