netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Nose
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.