Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

This chloroform smells expensiv…

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him