netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
hmmmmmm
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better