Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Strange

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.