Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

I enjoy a good short stor

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.