Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
😤😤
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again