Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

My birthstone is pecan pie.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

I’m crying im so happy for them

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.