Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results