Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them