Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
You Might Also Like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.