Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
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Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess