Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.