Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
