Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.