Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

My fantasy football season is going great

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.