Netflix: We have Less
You Might Also Like
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Unmatched
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?