Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.