Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.