Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

People buying plungers never look happy.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.