Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.


Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.

Hope she likes her new pet python.


One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes


“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls


Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break