neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
You Might Also Like
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?