neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish