Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Buying a well is money well spent.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…