Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll