Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.