Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

perfect

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah