Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
You Might Also Like
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!