Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.