Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away