Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.