Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Well, that didn’t work.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow