Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Where’s my employee discount too?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I need this for my side hustle.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?