Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
True.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
why isn’t he texting back
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”