Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

Holy crap this is wonderful

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.