Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Leaving the Barbers like

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do