never ask a starfish for directions
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude