Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

😆this is so true

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”