never ask a starfish for directions
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Somebody’s lying.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.