Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
accurate
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
bags with threatening auras
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Morning my dudes.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”