Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
getting groceries
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.