Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Gemma Correll
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.