Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
You Might Also Like
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.