Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Lmao 🤣

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard