Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

I think this cat is broken

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him