Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.