Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring