Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.