Never be a pizza!
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
A man of commitment.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
This guy gets it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?