Never be a pizza!
You Might Also Like
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor