Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.