Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
This hospital has everything
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.