Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
long lost
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk