Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

I only look at Wordle for the articles

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.