Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.