Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
You Might Also Like
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When I snag the last meatball.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.