Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly