Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…