Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.