Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
My kitchen overserved me.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?