Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”