—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake