Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

he’s doing your taxes

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no